Long term unemployment requires substantial personal fortitude to refrain from writing the cover letter that you really want. I have spent the past 10 years either unemployed or under-employed and I have been in constant search of a decent professional job that utilizes my skills. I have written countless cover letters and only a miniscule few have received any acknowledgement. The following letter is to no one person in particular. It is just an exercise to release the demonical thoughts that plague me when trying to construct that ultimate serious cover letter. So here is my satirical letter.
Dear negligent buffoon:
You know who you are; you are the mindless minion who tosses most of these letters in the trash or ignominiously ignores this plea for consideration for the menial job that I desperately need and for which I am much too qualified.
If you choose to ignore my sterling credentials, then I must conclude that you are profoundly ignorant, you already have a hand-picked candidate who is in your employ, or there is some executive honcho pushing to have a favorite relative or friend land this position.
If you have gotten this far in the letter then here is how your company will benefit from my employ. I am a seasoned worker who is fully aware that this is not the Emerald City of Oz where I can get up at twelve, start to work at one, take an hour for lunch and then at two I am done. I am willing to work hard and dedicate my extensive energy and skills to the success of your company.
In addition, I am not a needy person or prone to negative attitudes and general employee malaise. I like earning my pay. I do it without unnecessary drama, and with little need for direct supervision. However, if you feel the need to provide guidance and monitor my work it is okay by me.
On the other hand if you are a micro-manager who is a meddlesome misfit, and one who lacks the comprehensive skills needed to manage people in a respectful manner, then do not bother to contact me. I am too mature to play petty political games with miscreant managers with narcissistic tendencies. I simply want to work hard, be respected as a person, enjoy the camaraderie of my co-workers, and go home after a good day’s work to enjoy my personal leisurely pursuits.
I encourage you to contact me to discuss this position. I guarantee you that we will at least enjoy a delightful conversation and you may even find yourself smiling. Go ahead and call me, I dare you!
Pleasant regards,
Phil
What is there to say about me? I am not sure if I am typical or not, average or not, smart or not, BUT I think I definitely have a sense of humor. I am an aging baby boomer wondering if I have something to say about the world as I see it.
fillsmusings 
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